Today

Today

I am lost again

I am numb again

Saturated with thoughts of forgetting about us, about you

Denial has a way of leaving a bitter after taste, a way of numbing that hurt, it blocks the blood from flowing

I am saturated by the fear of remembering us

Terrified at the thought of opening that memory box where so much was unknown, yet certain,

overwhelming yet soothing,

fearful yet home.

Today is a day that I would give anything to hear you, to listen to you, to forget what happened

To awaken from the sleep, the paralysis

Today, today today

Please remind me in absence of all that happened in between

In absence of the noise and chaos

In absence of the grotesqueness of me

Today I miss you

because you made it all go away,

you showed me how peace feels, now I cant swim in this dirt of illusions anymore

I need you and us because I don’t know how to breathe in peace and calm, because my need to forget you and us has now become another source of excruciating fear of remembering

It hurts to forget and it hurts to remember

I think I have recovered and then something triggers it, just like that.

I go all the way back, to the days, moments, the sounds, the silence, the abundance and flow.

The kindness, the comfort and confusion of how to answer those questions

What is this? What was it? What is it? how will we…How will I live with it?

and more importantly how will I live without it?

I want to believe that you have forgotten, that it meant nothing, that it was ordinary to you.

I want to believe that these images publically displayed are your truth.

I don’t want to face the possibility that I was illusioned because it simply cant be.

What I know, what my gut feeds me is the truth of this.

The truth of us.

But where does that truth belong? where does it fit? When the tangible is seen so clearly through eyes, eye balls, norms, logic, humanness, years and checklists.

Where can I go? Who do I go to? Myself? Who and what is that? without the harmony and music that only you and I can hear, only you and I can sing to, can sleep to, can breathe through.

I don’t know where to go because you are the only place I can be

To believe, to believe that these are all my thoughts, my feelings and mine alone.

That you are not here.

To lose faith, faith that has no other…no place for this faith.

Where can I go? Where do I share this? You say within myself, but you know myself is not here anymore, because we are not here anymore, because you are not here anymore.

You have taken me… all that matters of me, and walked leaving me/ whats left of me to play pretend, to perform, to laugh just enough, to cry just enough, to smile and show those teeth.

I can hide, stay put in a corner where I can feed that faith.

Its a terrifying corner. One that only makes sense if you come home.

If you, even for a split second dry those tears.

The promises you made in words were said before they were uttered